Toxicodendron
Oh, poison ivy. Let me count the ways I've taken our family's dogs for walks over the years and have felt the telltale itching many hours later. Their fur, bounding through the underbrush, rubbed up against a plant, and then rubbed against me.
Poison ivy isn't actually poisonous - the rash and itching we receive from brushing up against her leaves is due to an allergic reaction. Some of us are immune - my son is one of them and is carefree in the woods.
But this exploration of poison ivy is a more tender one. During a very difficult time in my life - a time when I was overwhelmed by depression and anxiety, and experiencing some confusing abuse - I began to feel as if I were poison ivy. I felt like I needed to remove myself from humanity, lest I harm others with my presence.
Years later, I heard many others describe this same feeling about themselves - even the same image. I began to wonder how this feeling is a collective one; perhaps what anyone feels when they experience a painful separation from their goodness.
Knowing the collective nature of this feeling helped heal me. And the memory of that night - when I felt my ancestors gather around me on my bed - a mercy of mercies, has stayed with me, often coming to meet me on days of overwhelm, or worry.
So, friend, I share my story and this image with you in kindness. If you've ever felt like poison ivy, may you know that you're not alone (nor toxic) either.
Toxicodendron by Karly Randolph Pitman
“If the doors of my heart ever close, I am as good as dead.” - Mary Oliver
But you've felt this closing, the half life
of living, doors shut to possibility or hope.
You were stuck inside a small, mean sense
of yourself, tight and hard.
If anyone had asked, you would've said
you were poison ivy – don't come too close
or I'll harm you with my touch.
Years later, a woman tells you her story,
the same words coming out of her mouth,
the same image of herself as a body of harm.
Your heart opens, a glimmer of curiosity –
perhaps your sense of being damaged
(damaging) wasn't yours alone?
Perhaps it's what happens to any heart
hallowed out by too much aloneness,
too much fear, or too much pain.
Perhaps what you took as a personal
failure was a part of something larger
or more merciful. You remember
the night your ancestors came, laid
invisible arms over your body,
a laying on of hands, one on top
of the other, arms around arms
around arms. You remember their words,
“Let us carry some of that shame for you,”
and how you wept.
You remember a time before
the crack of loss, the home you felt
on this good earth. Perhaps the story
you believed for so long –
that there was something wrong
with you – is not true.
Perhaps it's not true for you, too.
“Play allows us a safe distance as we work on what’s close to our hearts.” - Mr. Rogers
Join me for the next session of Gathering Ourselves, June 26th
If you’re looking for a warm, supportive space to say yes to all you are, I invite you to join me and my co-facilitator, Tamara Neufeld Strijack, for Gathering Ourselves.
Gathering Ourselves is a creativity circle to gently explore what's alive in us. We use imagery, poems, children's books, songs, prompts, and our own creative expression – whether it’s collage, writing, drawing or more – to nurture a more generous, compassionate relationship with our inner world.
You don’t have to think of yourself as creative or a writer to come - merely a desire to show up and play.
Our next gathering is on Friday, June 26th from 10 am to 1 pm Pacific time/11 am to 2 pm Mountain/12 to 3 pm Central/1 to 4 pm Eastern/6 to 9 pm London time.
These circles are sacred spaces where we can let down, be, and rest for a while. I'm so moved by how tender we are with each other and the way we strengthen our relationship with ourselves.
If you feel moved to join us, we'd love to have you!
O Nobly Born is a reader supported newsletter. If you appreciate receiving the poems of O Nobly Born, you can bless this offering by subscribing to the newsletter (click on the red button below) or make a donation by credit card or through paypal at paypal@growinghumankindness.com. I cherish every donation, as they support this work and enable me to offer her freely to all.
With a grateful heart, Karly
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